I will not even ask how you are because I know the answer. You are not fine. You act like you are but you are not. Every day you wake up with my welfare at heart. That sweet little text I get, the lovely wish at midday and the night call when you are just about to sleep.
You apologize whenever the slightest thing ticks me off. Your surprises are selfless. Your compliments are some of the best I have ever heard.
But what do I give you in return? I tell you to stop doing those things. I give you so many reasons why we cannot be together. I let you down when you ask for the least I can do to make you happy. And you still hang in there; hang in there with this selfish girl.
Yes I am selfish. I am so selfish I will not let you have the pleasure of loving me and being loved back. I will tell you that I have been hurt before and I do not want to be hurt again. But all the while I am hurting you. I say no but do something that says yes. I call you my friend but still expect you to keep on treating me like something more.
Yet you still come back, every day to my selfish conditions. The truth is, I am afraid of commitment because I think it will make me lose out on a chance out there. I say I want to socialize, not specialize.
Now this is my plea to you my dear, do not listen to my excuses anymore. Look for the right girl, you deserve so much more. I will always find an excuse to disrupt whatever is blooming when everything seems perfect.
Of course I will be jealous. I might even cry. But this is not about me anymore. It is about you. You deserve to be happy. You should never feel inadequate because you are not. I need to realize that I cannot have you and someone else at the same time. I will also not begin with the ‘I am not ready for a relationship’ speech because that will be an outright lie.
I am selfish. I want to enjoy the feeling that someone wants me but I do not want to give that back. I am waiting for a perfect person who will never come. In fact, you are the closest I will get in a long time. Maybe by the end of this letter, I will have changed my mind and said yes.
But the world does not revolve around me. I am a work in progress. Let me not draw you into my confused and indecisive life. But then again, I already have.