I will not even ask how you are because I know the answer. You are not fine. You act like you are but you are not. Every day you wake up with my welfare at heart. That sweet little text I get, the lovely wish at midday and the night call when you are just about to sleep.

You apologize whenever the slightest thing ticks me off. Your surprises are selfless. Your compliments are some of the best I have ever heard.

But what do I give you in return? I tell you to stop doing those things. I give you so many reasons why we cannot be together. I let you down when you ask for the least I can do to make you happy. And you still hang in there; hang in there with this selfish girl.

Yes I am selfish. I am so selfish I will not let you have the pleasure of loving me and being loved back. I will tell you that I have been hurt before and I do not want to be hurt again. But all the while I am hurting you. I say no but do something that says yes. I call you my friend but still expect you to keep on treating me like something more.

Yet you still come back, every day to my selfish conditions. The truth is, I am afraid of commitment because I think it will make me lose out on a chance out there. I say I want to socialize, not specialize.

Now this is my plea to you my dear, do not listen to my excuses anymore. Look for the right girl, you deserve so much more. I will always find an excuse to disrupt whatever is blooming when everything seems perfect.

Of course I will be jealous. I might even cry. But this is not about me anymore. It is about you. You deserve to be happy. You should never feel inadequate because you are not. I need to realize that I cannot have you and someone else at the same time. I will also not begin with the ‘I am not ready for a relationship’ speech because that will be an outright lie.

I am selfish. I want to enjoy the feeling that someone wants me but I do not want to give that back. I am waiting for a perfect person who will never come. In fact, you are the closest I will get in a long time. Maybe by the end of this letter, I will have changed my mind and said yes.

But the world does not revolve around me. I am a work in progress. Let me not draw you into my confused and indecisive life. But then again, I already have.

Forgive me.

Written by Shiku Ngigi

Mum and dad’s daughter. Shouting big sister. Learning to listen. Jesus freak. Recovering tomboy. Mouse potato. Bass addict. Waking up the writer in her.

    6 Comments

  1. fullieokaka May 24, 2012 at 1:02 am Reply

    Aiyayayaya!

  2. Wakariera May 24, 2012 at 1:16 am Reply

    Woi. It’s not fair. Give the man a chance yaawa!

  3. Empress May 24, 2012 at 5:05 am Reply

    this is sooooooooooooo me right now! don’t settle yet. be selfish. you are still young.

  4. Miriam May 24, 2012 at 6:12 am Reply

    Yes woiye I agree with Wakariera give the man a chance!! You only live once. ONCE!

    But I get you on some level, but still, as a person who doesn’t have a man like that, I say go for him if he loves God.

    (i.e. hoping this all is a true story…)

  5. NATB May 24, 2012 at 11:26 am Reply

    I hope Mr. name witheld gets to read this. Woe unto you because you cannot stop a smitten guy this easily. Brace yourself for a long winding soap opera. and tears.

  6. Gichu Wil August 11, 2012 at 1:39 am Reply

    Who said a boy and a gal cant have a simple relationship, a simple truthful life…who said that love can be dictated by the unknown? How well do you know your future to make such decisions? I believe in true love, and true love wont just appear when you wake up in the morning for a run and BAM! We go thru temptations, heartbreaks and lots more…and in the end its worth it…or not!! Man(woman) up!
    Too late for my opinions?

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