For some reason, I have never talked about love and relationships on this blog. When I say love and relationships, I mean that between a man and a woman who are not blood relatives. That is really strange because at least 20% of my thoughts a day are dedicated to thinking about love and when I will find it. Also, I have another space that is mostly dedicated to these thoughts here. (Update: That space does not exist any more.)

Today, I bring the conversation here because I have been rethinking my stand on love as a Christian. I have been reading a lot of pieces on what love is and how it is manifested in several blogs by Christians. I stumble upon the shared links on Facebook every other day. (It is important to note I said Facebook, not Twitter. In Kenya, the Facebook crowd is completely different from that on Twitter, especially in matters pertaining spirituality. That will be a story for another day.)

I am single. I have been single for years now. However, in all fairness and truthfulness, that is not entirely true. I have been in trial and error affairs that almost ended in legit relationships. One of the blogs I read the other day was by a lady who described the very same thing I practice, reading men and playing around with them without actually committing or doing anything ‘dangerous’. In fact, one of my male friends copied a paragraph and sent it to me a few days after I had read it because he knew I was an expert in the said act. The post is entitled “Being a Virgin isn’t Enough”. You have probably read it too.

You see a title like that and you will click and read, especially if it speaks to you the way it spoke to me. Through the entire piece, I could relate.

“I shy away from relationships, but not men. My personality is one that revels in winning. As such, I became a master of the game. I enjoyed mind games and the sense of conquest that came with them, and the man who was the quintessential flirt was my perfect prey. I took pleasure in my ability to make a man fall, but remain detached.”

This is part of the excerpt my friend copied to my inbox, describing me down to the last letter. The last sentence, not so much though. I just happen to be the kind of girl who delights in being loved but not ready to love back without some serious rationalization.

To cut to the chase. It is very true. Being a virgin is not enough. Being one with a man does not involve just physical sex. It goes over and above that. It starts from the head in the first place. Sex begins in the head. I am guilty of being overly friendly with men. Or to put it more clearly, flirting with men. At the back of my mind, I know it is wrong but I just go on doing it because I have managed to convince myself that I am not having sex.

And that is where everything goes haywire. When we start asking how far is too far. I believe that is what Chadia was communicating in her post. Yes, you may be saving yourself for that man you have been praying for but you are getting emotionally attached to others along the way. I know I am. So what is the point if all I am saving is the physical body? Who am I kidding?

When I think about it, it is possible that the only reason I am a virgin is because the whole concept of sex scares me. There, I said it. This is where it becomes clear that I am more bent on playing safe than actually being pure and waiting for real.

The fact is, most times, we find ourselves conforming to worldly standards without even knowing it because we are not really willing to give up all that we should. Just yesterday, I stumbled upon a tweet on my Timeline. It was in line with a conversation that has been going on about what a relationship entails. There are a lot of relationship experts online nowadays. Someone was wise enough to tweet that if you have never had sex with someone then you cannot call that a relationship. And I paused. I thought about it. I wondered what that meant for me.

Then I remembered a sermon I sat through in my first year in campus. The speaker was quick to note that the Bible does not speak about girlfriends and boyfriends anywhere. Think about it. It does not. It just talks about relationships that led or almost led to marriages. Think Samson, David, Mary and Joseph and so forth. Basically this translates to the notion that relationships are not engagements you get into out of the need to fit in or avoid loneliness. They are serious entities that you get into because you need to commit for the long haul.

Reducing relationships and marriages to sex is ludicrous to an extent. Christian or not, we are humans with feelings. We need to choose how to channel our thoughts and actions towards living a life that is dignified. Our bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit. Your body is made of many parts, and the brain is part of the mix. As you think, so shall you become. (If you Google that statement, they say Bruce Lee said it but really it is in Proverbs 23:7.)

What am I saying? Have that boyfriend or girlfriend for the right reasons. If you do not have one, don’t go for trial and errors where you leave feeling emotionally exhausted. I am a victim of that. I say I am just friends but really, all I am doing is not taking on the label of girlfriend. Pray for your future husband and wife and consider he or she might just be the person you see every day. Don’t lock yourself out but don’t rush it either.

If it doesn’t feel right, it is not right. Jesus loved to talk about love and what it means to love. Love your neighbour as you love yourself. If I love that man, I will avoid all situations that will end up hurting him. It is not about winning. Do unto others as you would have them do to you. Love must be sincere. Romans 12:9.

As usual, I will have to quote a song, one I have been playing this week after I discovered the awesomeness that is Group 1 Crew’s Outta Space Love. (It has been lying around my disk space for years. I cannot believe the things I ignore sometimes. It is a treasure!)

I remember the days when my momma would tell me
You’re too busy runnin’ ’round need to calm always lookin for love, she told me love ain’t easy baby believe me,
It can break your heart make you fall apart so you gotta be careful there’s no need to rush it
Now I’m getting older and each winters getting colder now, hope I’ll find you somehow

I’ll patiently wait
For you to come my way
And I won’t hesitate when you
Make a way right to my heart
And I’ll patiently wait
Till that one sweet day
That you’ll appear in my life
I won’t know when or why but can’t wait
Till I meet you one day

Listen to it here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VDIS0LbrVVk

That’s right. I am waiting, for real this time. Meanwhile, it is still me and Jesus. My friend somewhere would rather I say Jesus and me since putting myself first is not really the good thing to do in life but hey, grammar lessons will be somewhere else soon.

Written by Shiku Ngigi

Mum and dad’s daughter. Shouting big sister. Learning to listen. Jesus freak. Recovering tomboy. Mouse potato. Bass addict. Waking up the writer in her.

    12 Comments

  1. endekei November 29, 2013 at 6:19 pm Reply

    Now this one is a classic.

  2. Leah Ness November 29, 2013 at 7:23 pm Reply

    You make a truly excellent point here. My favorite bit was when you spoke about saving yourself emotionally as well as physically. I was never a girl who wanted to date around and do a trial and error search for my one, true love. But as my 23rd birthday came and went without me so much as holding hands with a boy, I figured I’d have to settle and enter the dating game to find what I was looking for. It just wasn’t in me, though; I couldn’t settle. Then one day, I met a truly amazing man and he asked me out. Each step after that came so easily and naturally and I could tell as our relationship grew that it was something Jesus had custom designed for us. We’ve been maried for nearly seven months now and they have been the happiest months of my life. I’m so immeasurably grateful that Jesus had me wait for the right man instead of ‘shopping around.’ You are most definitely on the right track! Don’t settle for anything less that God’s best for you =)

    • Shiku Ngigi November 29, 2013 at 8:11 pm Reply

      I love your story! I pray and hope my story will be as blessed. I will wait. 🙂

  3. githua November 29, 2013 at 7:31 pm Reply

    Yaani you are discovering group 1 saa ii? Check out the album fearless also awesome…

    • githua November 29, 2013 at 7:40 pm Reply

      Otherwise well written piece… I totally agree with you 😉

    • Shiku Ngigi November 29, 2013 at 8:06 pm Reply

      Haha! No. I just ignored that particular album. I love Fearless! I have quoted it here before too.

  4. Kate Wangari November 30, 2013 at 8:58 am Reply

    formidable!! the french one

  5. musale November 30, 2013 at 1:41 pm Reply

    God’s plans are the best. You wait and pray for him to help you through the wait. All I know is that God never dissappoints. I am learning to wait too. It’s only better and fair to get into a relationship when you are ready and you know what you want(to give and get) from it. Be blesses as you wait.

    • Shiku Ngigi November 30, 2013 at 5:14 pm Reply

      Amen to that. We are in this together. 🙂

  6. chadiamathurin December 3, 2013 at 7:54 am Reply

    Well said, and I think that you captured what I was trying to say beautifully and eloquently. God bless your journey of physical purity and emotional integrity. :). I followed up on this post with, “Why On Earth Are You Still a Virgin?” Feel free to check it out as well. http://chadiamathurin.wordpress.com/2013/11/20/why-on-earth-are-you-still-a-virgin/

    • Shiku Ngigi December 3, 2013 at 8:56 am Reply

      I checked it out already. I must say you encouraged me take some very serious steps in my life. You are a blessing. 🙂 God bless your journey too!

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