Guest post by Anonymous
There are many mistakes that you could make as a woman regarding love and relationships. We may choose to blame it on ‘broken hearts, YOLO, or on the a-a-a-alcohol’, but a mistake is a mistake. The good thing with making them, if you are smart, you will learn and avoid them like the plague. However, if you refuse to learn, it will become an unpleasant cycle that will taunt you and you will turn into a miserable old lady no one really likes.
Here is my story:
I remember the day I got courage to ask my ex if he was still interested in me, or wanted out. Let me say, it takes a lot of courage, and strength to give someone you love an ‘out’, and I had no choice at the time. It had been six months of back and forth, pushing and pulling, trying to maintain the balance between being too desperate and seeking appropriate attention – it’s not something they teach you in Communications 101 for sure.
Anyway, what led to me giving my ex an out? My instincts. They are to me, a gift of the Holy Spirit, they never lie, they never fail to warn me when something is about to happen. He was distant, choosing to hang with my female friends instead of me, lazy to return phone calls, and so on and so forth. It was our third year anniversary when he decided to leave me, and it waited six days before it stung like sitting on thabai. I remember being at my desk then, at my former place of work, when it hit me that he actually left me. I wondered how long he had wanted out and couldn’t tell me, had he found someone else and didn’t know how to tell me, had he felt emasculated since I hustled and was in the process of quitting my former job for my current one yet he had found nothing, I wondered. I wondered and cried like a baby in the middle of the day, at work. I still wonder, but in the words of my pastor, ‘it is time to leave 2014 and all its mishaps behind’.
The break-up had a lot to do with my actions over the next three months. I went on a serious rebound, with an older (but unmarried) guy, and drank myself to the ditches, literally. I became his girlfriend without my knowledge (since I was drunk 80% of the time) and decided to maybe try it since he seemed nice either way. We went on road trips and dates, I made him breakfast and he made lunch, and so on and so forth. All that ended when I realized he was looking for a wife and was slowly turning me into one, and that the company he kept was toxic. Breaking up with this guy was a calculated process – my applied statistics lecturer would be super impressed, it started with being too busy to see him (it was kind of long distance since I had moved to a different city to work), then to not taking his calls, and finally telling him I had no time to be in a relationship.
So here I am, single, after three years of not being single, still somehow brooding over my ex who I can’t believe left me when all I did was love him, and looking around at the dry well I almost dug myself into. Let me explain, starting with guy number one, let’s call him Sean, because well, I knew how to pronounce that name recently ;-). I met Sean at a dance floor, no, not in a club, in an organized, somehow official party and his moves (height and looks, as well) made my heart race. Some ladies are able to identify with the phenomenon that a great male dancer who will not just stand behind you, arms spread out like a maggot metamorphosing (this is now a word) into a butterfly while you shake what the good Lord gave you, is difficult to come by. We bonded on that floor and again over drinks, and again while working. However, this is the actual proverbial tale of forbidden fruit, since our relationship (not that it exists) is strictly prohibited by HR regulations. Yes we talk, and at times playfully call each other ‘babe’, no we have not had any physical “contact”, yes he really sorted me out when something terrible happened to me, yes sometimes I think of breaking the rules, but it all comes down to what is more important. Whether it is my job, or the possibility of maybe dating someone who you aren’t sure is targeting you as his next ‘riskiest’ lay. Therefore, when I am tempted to tell him where I live or ask him where he lives so that we can “watch a movie” I always tighten my legs and say ‘be still my beating heart’.
Moving on to guy number two; let’s call him Harold. I have known Harold for 10 years, and in those 10 years, I have always felt something for him. Of course, we have never been able to officially date, since I dumped him after 24 hours (there is your record for the shortest relationship ever). I was young then, and naïve. He asked me out, he was in campus then, and I was yet to join. I thought about those pretty UoN girls he spent 90% of his time with and asked myself why exactly he was asking ME out. So I freaked (mainly because I thought I wasn’t pretty enough) and dumped him the next day. Worst mistake of my life people, worst mistake. We have of course kept in touch, we have that gift of not letting things be awkward between us, I have kissed him a few times, and thought about it for days after, but we have never really been together. So when I am finally free to be with him, he has a girlfriend, (grrrrrrrrr), and she is beautiful, and sweet and funny (GRRRRRRRRR). I honestly almost cried when I found this out, and now all I can do is maybe wait and see if they will work out, because it’s one of those scenarios where you firmly believe that in the end, this is the guy for you.
Meanwhile, I can’t help but wonder, what if Harold ends up marrying his current girlfriend, it will obviously break my heart, but it will definitely be ‘msiba wa kujitakia’. What if Sean and I were meant to be? But then this one passes quickly, none of us is willing to sacrifice the job we love so much, and that is the end of that. Meanwhile, I have given life to the biblical phrase ‘love thy neighbor’, but that ended when I did the loving while sober and realized it was just terrible. Meanwhile, I got drunk at a house party and ‘added my number’. I am not proud of these mean whiles. Hence…
Lessons from 2014:
- Vodka is not your friend. You will make stupid decisions you will only regret later, it is not a cliché, and it is a true testimony. Either way, I am kind of happy I made these mistakes, because I will never make them again.
- Men come and go. Really. Do not be the girl desperately searching, he will come, eventually.
- Respect your professional life. It’s hard enough being a woman in the corporate world, being a respected and successful woman takes a lot of effort and grace.
- Things that are out of your reach and control, are simply that. You are not Olivia Pope. Olivia Pope isn’t even Olivia Pope. Life isn’t like sex and the city, be real, and be sane.
- An idle mind is really the devil’s workshop. There is lots to do in this life, like reading, watching plays, live music performances, touring our beautiful country, or whatever makes you tick. Be busy, it will truly help you avoid trouble.
Finally, the men that came and went in 2014 have helped me become a better woman. They have helped me identify my weaknesses and become stronger and wiser. Happy 2015 everybody, to better decisions this year!