Ever felt so at peace with yourself and with the world that you wonder what’s changed? You begin to gain weight, weight that has been elusive ever since you were aware of yourself. You still have your acne but it doesn’t bother you much. You begin to portray more girly traits, complete with a changing wardrobe since the jeans you are used to and growing too tight anyway. You begin to catch up with your girls and slowly get rid of pointless talk in your life. You tweet less, scroll down your Facebook news feed twice a week, only have Telegram and Hangouts as messaging apps and chat a total of five people in these two and watch the news in passing, because you have probably seen an alert online about the same pieces throughout the day. Every once in a while, someone will ask when you are getting married, but that’s once in a blue moon.

That is me, currently, in a nutshell. Slightly over a year ago, I talked about how being single was no longer awesome and how I was really tired of it. Shortly after that, I was no longer single. A few months ago, I was single again. I hope I have not lost you. I explain.

Having been the girl who was always single and ever the one with almosts, I decided to drop the tag and be more open. Turns out that’s all I needed to do. I was happy for a while. I was not exactly sure I knew what I was doing but I imagine everyone else feels the same the first days? I’d smile every time I told my mum about him. I’d sound like I was getting married tomorrow when I talked to any friend who wanted to know what was happening to Shiku. He was sweet and had gone the extra mile to ensure I was sold. Eventually I was sure this was it. This was him. This was us. I was willing to fight for us.

Unfortunately, this was not to last. Maybe I did not take time to really understand what I was getting into and if we were compatible, if there’s anything like that. I became sad. I was always unsettled and felt I was just saying things simply because he said them first. Like how you say I love you too simply because someone said it first; that way. I realized that it’s rather you don’t say it and act like you love someone. You know, it may be very hard for you to say you love him, but why is it hard in the first place? Why do you need to say it? When was the last time your dad or mum told you they loved you? They sure as eggs is eggs (lol) don’t say it every day. So why should you say it every day to your girlfriend or boyfriend? Is it because they do it in the movies? What is love anyway?

I’m at peace. Peace I’ve not experienced in a long while. I think the top reason for this peace is the lack of unnecessary stress in my life. I’m playing safe. I always play safe. The whole of this year has been Shiku playing safe. Yes, I may have gone on a little adventure here and there. Yes I have grown in more ways than one but when it comes to love, I’m 100% sure I don’t know what it feels right now. The love between a man and a woman. Ask me to describe love and I’ll will do it very well. I’ll quote Bible verses. I will quote Oscar Wilde for good measure. But in my head, I’m not sure I even know how it feels to love anyway. This is even after having written about it for the longest time. I think I’m losing it. I should just stop writing this and write about something else that makes sense. You know, something like the love between parents and children, or the one between siblings. Am I becoming a sceptic? Will I be one of those women who finally find love at thate fae? Am I freaking out for no reason? If love is a decision, isn’t that a problem?

The other day, we held my brother’s graduation party. So many people kept implying that he should find a girl nini nini. I tried to remember someone mentioning the same during mine two years ago and I couldn’t remember, probably because it didn’t happen. All I remember is being told to pursue my Master’s and work. Like seriously. Makes me wonder, makes you wonder, why was the pressure not on me? So there’s that and there’s the fact that this peace it too good. Yeah, sometimes it sucks being the third wheel when you’re rolling with your favourite couple but eventually you get used to it, especially if they are super awesome like mine. 🙂

I am typing this on my bed in my mum and dad’s house with no hurry to move out or anything. Yes, sometimes I walk into a supermarket and look at mattress and furniture prices but that’s as far as it gets. As far as I know, if I am getting any mattress, it’s for this very bed. You should see the mattress here. Gives me backaches sometimes. Lol. But no hurry. I have slept on worse, especially in Moi University. The other day dad told me that the space he had just created outside during ongoing renovations, was parking for my car. Somebody say amen. 😀 These people are literally not putting any pressure on me to get out of here. Still learning how to drive in 2015, somehow. Still working with the 2017 marriage goal. But you know what, having said all that, it’s a goal, but doesn’t mean that I will freak out if I don’t meet it. I will be 27 then and with a whole lot more experience out here to tell you a better story.

What’s the point freaking out and running amok only to break your heart again and again? Yes, you can never be too careful, but then again, you cannot throw caution to the wind when it’s your future kids you are talking about. He is coming. Or I am coming, future husband. Wait for me. I am waiting for you. And we both know waiting does not mean just staying here and doing nothing. If I know you already and I am very mean to you, hang in there. Maybe I am just giving you time to adjust. If you know me and think I am not approachable, well and good, tomorrow I may be a changed woman or you a changed man. Let’s keep the peace, until time is ripe. Even if it is tomorrow, or next year or the year after that. We keep moving, because that’s what we do, single or not. And I am not saying that being in a relationship is not being at peace. Don’t get me wrong. At it’s own time, it will bring me peace. And you. It’s all a matter of choice. Also, this is not a single and available announcement, just a now-you-know piece.

And now I have to go cook because it’s getting late. And my mum just shouted, “Kari blogging ureka?” (Are you blogging?) Yes, she knows. After all, gotta keep the wife material in check. 🙂

Single

Written by Shiku Ngigi
Mum and dad's daughter. Shouting big sister. Learning to listen. Jesus freak. Recovering tomboy. Mouse potato. Bass addict. Waking up the writer in her.

    24 Comments

  1. Silaso September 22, 2015 at 7:52 pm Reply

    Hahaha I thought it’s the ladies that like being told I love even when it dosent make sense lol… I dint say that I just read it some where… This is good more ladies should read it no rush when the time comes it just happens.

    • Shiku Ngigi September 23, 2015 at 8:42 pm Reply

      So you tell us just for the sake. I knew it! Lol

  2. Sam (@samuelndichu) September 22, 2015 at 8:07 pm Reply

    Sometimes I read your blog in the Citi Hoppa because sometimes that’s the only time I have free. Like today. And today I am smiling that knowing smile of someone who gets it. Gets you. Sometimes it is good to know that others go through what we do because naturally we are narcissistic and think the world thinks we are special and should go out of its way to make it hard for us.

    Savour the peace.

    • Shiku Ngigi September 23, 2015 at 8:43 pm Reply

      I get you. 🙂

  3. hannahakinyi September 22, 2015 at 10:45 pm Reply

    So true. Thanks for sharing.

    • Shiku Ngigi September 23, 2015 at 8:44 pm Reply

      Thanks for following up as always!

  4. Kip. September 23, 2015 at 10:28 am Reply

    God’s time is the best time….or so they say!

    • Shiku Ngigi September 23, 2015 at 8:45 pm Reply

      Just discovered your blog! I think we’re kindred souls. Hehe

  5. esharlique September 23, 2015 at 11:43 am Reply

    Amazing read Shiko… Its like you read my mind and posted before I did… ?

    • Shiku Ngigi September 23, 2015 at 8:47 pm Reply

      Speaking for many ladies, I see. Post, post, post! 😀

  6. Teresa September 24, 2015 at 2:00 am Reply

    GREAT mutual thoughts Shiku, thanks for sharing

    • Shiku Ngigi September 24, 2015 at 9:56 pm Reply

      Thanks for reading!

  7. Ondieki Obare Junior September 24, 2015 at 11:48 am Reply

    I love how you blog about things we all think inside the blankets but can never say them out loud, for the fear of appearing too contrarian

    • Shiku Ngigi September 24, 2015 at 10:02 pm Reply

      You know how we do!

  8. Auntie Mimi (@amoitmiriam) September 24, 2015 at 1:17 pm Reply

    This could’ve been me, the perpetually single girl. The last time I was not single was 2 years ago, but it was too complicated to actually call it a relationship. All my friends are getting married, and I am getting a new dress every few months thanks to being on the bridal party. The other day my mum asked me when I will be planning my own wedding; I told her she’ll be the first to know 🙂

    I am taking things in my own stride: eating healthy, exercising, volunteering, going out more (though mostly on my own terms), not taking crushes seriously, … basically focusing on myself. Yes, I have gained the elusive weight, I am more radiant, more girly, (I’d forgotten how satisfying shoe and dress retail therapy can be, moreso in the company of an equally enthusiastic girlfriend)

    I have learnt to keep myself company, and it’s working out much better than I would ever imagine. I am just trying NOT to fear that my sense of independence may end up to be my undoing.

    • Shiku Ngigi September 24, 2015 at 10:38 pm Reply

      You go girl!

  9. Andrewismme September 24, 2015 at 4:43 pm Reply

    Kari blogging ureka………….no pressure

  10. FRANK MWENDA September 25, 2015 at 8:25 am Reply

    LQTM…….

    • Shiku Ngigi September 25, 2015 at 8:31 am Reply

      Wonder what’s funny…

  11. Marie September 27, 2015 at 2:42 pm Reply

    This is freaking weird for me……. Whatever you’ve written is me, everything!!!!

  12. Shawrie October 9, 2015 at 10:50 am Reply

    I can somehow relate to this article though am not single. Especially the not moving out part. When am out shopping I usually look at electronics prices and my jaw almost drops then am like “mum hasn’t shown any signs of kicking you out, so relax”

  13. njerikaranja October 30, 2015 at 11:54 am Reply

    I can totally identify. My friends keep pilling pressure on me to date but once I am there, I get overwhelmed and the next thing I know, single and happy and not even trying to date. Sometimes it feels awkward, like I am missing out on life but most times, I love it that way!

  14. Pat October 30, 2015 at 4:14 pm Reply

    I share the same sentiments, Nearly all my dating life I’ve been answering I love you too… simply because i cared about her feelings not to answer her I love you..

  15. Kariuki Dave November 16, 2015 at 10:26 pm Reply

    Very interesting… “thate fae” 🙂

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