Ever felt so at peace with yourself and with the world that you wonder what’s changed? You begin to gain weight, weight that has been elusive ever since you were aware of yourself. You still have your acne but it doesn’t bother you much. You begin to portray more girly traits, complete with a changing wardrobe since the jeans you are used to and growing too tight anyway. You begin to catch up with your girls and slowly get rid of pointless talk in your life. You tweet less, scroll down your Facebook news feed twice a week, only have Telegram and Hangouts as messaging apps and chat a total of five people in these two and watch the news in passing, because you have probably seen an alert online about the same pieces throughout the day. Every once in a while, someone will ask when you are getting married, but that’s once in a blue moon.
That is me, currently, in a nutshell. Slightly over a year ago, I talked about how being single was no longer awesome and how I was really tired of it. Shortly after that, I was no longer single. A few months ago, I was single again. I hope I have not lost you. I explain.
Having been the girl who was always single and ever the one with almosts, I decided to drop the tag and be more open. Turns out that’s all I needed to do. I was happy for a while. I was not exactly sure I knew what I was doing but I imagine everyone else feels the same the first days? I’d smile every time I told my mum about him. I’d sound like I was getting married tomorrow when I talked to any friend who wanted to know what was happening to Shiku. He was sweet and had gone the extra mile to ensure I was sold. Eventually I was sure this was it. This was him. This was us. I was willing to fight for us.
Unfortunately, this was not to last. Maybe I did not take time to really understand what I was getting into and if we were compatible, if there’s anything like that. I became sad. I was always unsettled and felt I was just saying things simply because he said them first. Like how you say I love you too simply because someone said it first; that way. I realized that it’s rather you don’t say it and act like you love someone. You know, it may be very hard for you to say you love him, but why is it hard in the first place? Why do you need to say it? When was the last time your dad or mum told you they loved you? They sure as eggs is eggs (lol) don’t say it every day. So why should you say it every day to your girlfriend or boyfriend? Is it because they do it in the movies? What is love anyway?
I’m at peace. Peace I’ve not experienced in a long while. I think the top reason for this peace is the lack of unnecessary stress in my life. I’m playing safe. I always play safe. The whole of this year has been Shiku playing safe. Yes, I may have gone on a little adventure here and there. Yes I have grown in more ways than one but when it comes to love, I’m 100% sure I don’t know what it feels right now. The love between a man and a woman. Ask me to describe love and I’ll will do it very well. I’ll quote Bible verses. I will quote Oscar Wilde for good measure. But in my head, I’m not sure I even know how it feels to love anyway. This is even after having written about it for the longest time. I think I’m losing it. I should just stop writing this and write about something else that makes sense. You know, something like the love between parents and children, or the one between siblings. Am I becoming a sceptic? Will I be one of those women who finally find love at thate fae? Am I freaking out for no reason? If love is a decision, isn’t that a problem?
The other day, we held my brother’s graduation party. So many people kept implying that he should find a girl nini nini. I tried to remember someone mentioning the same during mine two years ago and I couldn’t remember, probably because it didn’t happen. All I remember is being told to pursue my Master’s and work. Like seriously. Makes me wonder, makes you wonder, why was the pressure not on me? So there’s that and there’s the fact that this peace it too good. Yeah, sometimes it sucks being the third wheel when you’re rolling with your favourite couple but eventually you get used to it, especially if they are super awesome like mine. 🙂
I am typing this on my bed in my mum and dad’s house with no hurry to move out or anything. Yes, sometimes I walk into a supermarket and look at mattress and furniture prices but that’s as far as it gets. As far as I know, if I am getting any mattress, it’s for this very bed. You should see the mattress here. Gives me backaches sometimes. Lol. But no hurry. I have slept on worse, especially in Moi University. The other day dad told me that the space he had just created outside during ongoing renovations, was parking for my car. Somebody say amen. 😀 These people are literally not putting any pressure on me to get out of here. Still learning how to drive in 2015, somehow. Still working with the 2017 marriage goal. But you know what, having said all that, it’s a goal, but doesn’t mean that I will freak out if I don’t meet it. I will be 27 then and with a whole lot more experience out here to tell you a better story.
What’s the point freaking out and running amok only to break your heart again and again? Yes, you can never be too careful, but then again, you cannot throw caution to the wind when it’s your future kids you are talking about. He is coming. Or I am coming, future husband. Wait for me. I am waiting for you. And we both know waiting does not mean just staying here and doing nothing. If I know you already and I am very mean to you, hang in there. Maybe I am just giving you time to adjust. If you know me and think I am not approachable, well and good, tomorrow I may be a changed woman or you a changed man. Let’s keep the peace, until time is ripe. Even if it is tomorrow, or next year or the year after that. We keep moving, because that’s what we do, single or not. And I am not saying that being in a relationship is not being at peace. Don’t get me wrong. At it’s own time, it will bring me peace. And you. It’s all a matter of choice. Also, this is not a single and available announcement, just a now-you-know piece.
And now I have to go cook because it’s getting late. And my mum just shouted, “Kari blogging ureka?” (Are you blogging?) Yes, she knows. After all, gotta keep the wife material in check. 🙂