You know exactly what you want. But so as to make things sound complicated, to not hurt people, you tell them you don’t know what you want. People here being men. You know you want a man who knows what he wants, not just by word but by action. You want someone who, right from the start, made his intentions known. Someone who is decisive. Someone who does not practise certain rituals that you do not approve of. Think about something like drinking. Not milk. Alcohol. This, especially, is becoming increasingly hard to have as a “don’t” on your dos and don’ts list. It makes you wonder whether your list is too prefect. Like seriously. You know exactly what you want, you just haven’t found it yet.
You go into a phase where you have honest conversations with these people (honest except the fact that you tell them you don’t know what you want, to cut the conversation shorter than the entire day it would have lasted.) You give a million and one reasons for why things are as they are. You sit in the breeze and close your eyes as you talk. You like this. In fact, you wouldn’t mind sitting here the whole day with him. You recount the many times you have said no and the many different effects it has had on the two of you. Why not say yes this time, you wonder to yourself? You have another conversation with another person on phone, while cooking, and you ensure that you do not add too much salt to any dish. It has happened before when someone dropped a bombshell on you. You talk and talk and talk. It is decided. Everyone is free to mingle with other people, because you will never make up your mind about him. You already said no. Different strokes for different folks. You respect that. You accept that, just as he accepted your no. Because you did not think this something he had wanted the whole time. Because you thought you were just friends. Because you had left him to his own devices. The talk makes everything crystal. The talk makes you realize that it’s never that complicated in the first place. Life is not a soap opera, no matter how much everyone else looking in from the outside wants to make it.
He says he does not read your blog any more to understand you. Your blog is confusing. Your blog only gives what you want the readers to think. Not necessarily what is running in your head plain and simple. He says that the reason he has not really been forthright with the wooing is because he has his own doubts, despite knowing what he wants. He says something extremely sweet. Something that makes you want to cry but you instead laugh it off. He says that he would one day want you to write a book without distractions. He would want you to write a book at home, with him providing everything while you have the peace and space do it. He wants to ensure that you would not need to be at a 9-5 then. Your feminist side is completely crushed by that. That declaration of holding back because he thinks he is not there yet, but is working to be. Wow. You know you want this.
You are losing your boys. And that’s okay. You want that. You want them to be happy. One is getting married soon. The other in on the way there, but he just won’t admit it. Your many heart-to-hearts are no longer a thing. But you don’t mind. Because this also indicates that you need to move on and find the balance between what you want and what you don’t want. If there is one thing everyone knows anyway, it’s what you don’t want. Everyone knows you don’t want lies in your life. You lie, bye! You want to be happy. You want to experience love as you have never done before. Not as it is written by poets or script writers for motion pictures, but the way it was designed to be. The way God intended it to be. You sigh. One of these days.
You drown yourself in work. You dedicate the life hours to writing, lots of walking around and meeting up friends. You are not the only one single anyway, and neither will you be the last. You want to come out and breathe again, without the sensationalism that you have always wanted to come with it. Forget that I just made a melodramatic statement right there. You will thrive.