Sometimes, I feel really down for no apparent reason. Most times, I feel bad I am not making it in life as much as I should. Sometimes, I feel bad because I think the world is unfair. This is the time I take on as many distractions as I can to stop feeling this way. If I don’t, I will end up crying. I can be a baby. A big baby.
Writer chooses to remain anonymous.
Every year this week since I graduated from high school, I make a promise to myself to date or have a meaningful relationship with someone. And every year, I don’t. Somewhat.
That doesn’t mean I haven’t dated. I have had some “satisfying” relationships, but not many last till Valentine’s Day. It’s some coincidence I have never understood. In high school, it was an unwritten rule that you had to put some effort into Valentine’s Day by doing something for a girl in a school across the valley. I wrote x-rated letters because the school system allowed us to remain anonymous. It was fun.
My friends, who are they when all is said and done? Maybe the only reason I have them is because I get something from them. And if that is the reason, then it means that when they run out of whatever they give me, they stop being friends.
Is that what a friend should be? Should I make someone feel indebted just because they have the tag ‘friend’? Let us not forget the word has taken a whole new meaning in cyberspace where you can have thousands of ‘friends’ who you can instantly unfriend at the click of a button (that word does not even sound right, unfriend, really?)
And what do I really mean when I tell a guy that we should just be friends. Were we enemies in the first place? Is a boyfriend not a friend?
I live by the mantra, ‘Show me your friends and I will show you who you are’. Most of the time, my friend will be someone I share some interest with. But now that I think about it, maybe that is a bit selfish. Maybe friendship should also be about being there for someone who needs you not because you know they will help you later.
Today’s fuel was the story of the young girl from my former high school who committed suicide because she felt she did not have many friends. What exactly did she mean by that? Had she ran out of friends to talk to about her troubles? Or maybe she felt out of place for one reason or other.
I may keep speculating on why exactly she did what she did but I will not help much. What I should be thinking about now is whether my friends would go to such lengths while I was too busy thinking thoughts like, ‘I know why he is not replying to my text, he thinks my world revolves around him.’ or ‘Girl’s got drama that is why she suddenly stopped talking to me.’
It happens. Sometimes I want to show someone that I do not appreciate how they treated me by treating them the same way. Or I will shamefully give someone a gift because somehow I expect them to give me one in return (I realize how uncouth that sounds, like some barter trade or something). Maybe you have done it too. Thing is, even Jesus who I strive to be like everyday advocated for charity where only spiritual return is assured.
In fact, the more you give expecting to be given back, the more your heart will be broken. Your motive was wrong and the person you gave did not think you expected something in return. It is true that in African tradition, you give to be given. Look at our mothers carrying kiondos when they go visiting families just to give back in a small way.
So I am not saying that giving expecting something in return is wrong, it is human nature. All I am saying is do not let your friendship be all about expecting them to do exactly what you do for them. Oh yes, I have an ego and a big one at that. So following through on this one could prove easier said than done.
But I will do my best to know who my friends are and be there for them, regardless of whether they do the same for me. In the end friends are friends forever if they were not solely friends with benefits.
Friends fall out. Friends make up. Friends make the world so much brighter.
Thank you for being my friend.
Matthew 5:46 If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that?