I am feeling pretty low right now. Down in the dip. Extremely low. I just got home, threw my stuff on the sofa and lay down. I chat a friend and then switched off data and tears just flowed. To be honest my tears could have just dropped an hour ago, but I held them back because someone was gracious enough to fight my fight. But the floodgates opened now and I let them do their thing. Then I grabbed a serviette that was lying on the table from two nights ago when I was eating cake, dabbed my eyes and knelt down to just say something to the Almighty. I felt like such a fraud doing that. The first time I pray today is simply because I feel lost, not because I am saying thank you or I am happy, but because I am asking for direction.

I have been on some never-ending adrenaline the past few months I guess. I stopped writing. I moved out. (Yes, I did that and never told you all. Sorry guys.) I got involved in some pressure projects. I quit Twitter. I cut ties with a few people I had developed acquaintance with the past year. Lots happened. Lots has happened. And suddenly, I feel like I am deflating now. It is my moment to come back down to earth and think about what I am doing. When it’s all said and done, there is something I am looking for in all my quitting and trying new things.

After I said my prayer, I felt like I should play some soothing music. Lord I Need You by Matt Maher kept ringing in my head but on second thought, something even better hit me. I should write. I should write something I probably don’t want to publish, but it will likely be the best outlet for me. The outlet I have rejected for so long. I feel the exact way NF feels about his music. If you have listened to Therapy Session, you will know what I mean. So I picked up my old laptop that was lying on the sofa (I leave a lot of things lying around) and started writing this.

A friend of mine thinks I manage stressful situations very well but the truth is I am just good at burying stuff and living in the moment. I am good at forgetting something for a moment. Or two. Or two days. Or three weeks. But eventually I will think about the thing I am running away from. I will think about it after running from it. After running out of distractions. And I have pretty solid distractions from real life. But when the distraction becomes the thing I need to get distracted from, then that becomes a problem. And Band-Aid solutions will only work for another month until something else happens. Or some other two things happen that rip off the bandage with such incredible force that I end up like this.

I am not depressed, neither am I delusional. I know there is a reason I am feeling the way I am feeling. And I need to stop running. I need to face my giants. I need to figure out why I stopped doing the things that really matter to me by substituting them with others, when these things actually helped me handle life better. I need to get back to the start.

And again, don’t freak out, people. I am okay. Really, I am. I just needed to let this out and figure out my next course of action. Maybe that’s the only way I will take steps to remedy everything and in effect be the help I need to be to people around me. You know, it can’t just be about me in all this. It has to be bigger than me. The reason I am here is not for me and thus the reason I do or not do anything should not be because I don’t feel like. I will be back. Soon.

I guess being low is a good thing sometimes. It’s in the deep that water springs where there is none coming from high above. And gold. And oil. And a lot of strong, green trees.

Hugs and kisses y’all. I had missed you. 🙂

Written by Shiku Ngigi
Mum and dad's daughter. Shouting big sister. Learning to listen. Jesus freak. Recovering tomboy. Mouse potato. Bass addict. Waking up the writer in her.

    10 Comments

  1. ondiekijunior February 7, 2018 at 9:19 pm Reply

    Your article has inspired me, because I guess am in a similar situation.

    • Shiku Ngigi February 8, 2018 at 9:07 am Reply

      You’ll be alright. ☺

  2. FrankMwenda February 7, 2018 at 9:31 pm Reply

    These moments happen to everyone. It’s your time… And you’ll come out better.

    It’s already started… You’re back to writing!!!

    • Shiku Ngigi February 8, 2018 at 9:08 am Reply

      ☺ Hallelujah!

  3. Hannah Olukoye February 7, 2018 at 9:41 pm Reply

    We missed you too! I feel you on the NF music, my hubby introduced me to him.

    • Shiku Ngigi February 8, 2018 at 9:09 am Reply

  4. Jose February 13, 2018 at 10:08 am Reply

    It’s gets better with time. 😀

    Quarter life crisis

    • Shiku Ngigi February 20, 2018 at 10:28 pm Reply

      You said it!

  5. Betty February 16, 2018 at 5:24 pm Reply

    I’ve had my fair share of those moments . . . that lead you to leaving things lying around . . . it shall come to pass.

    Congrats for movin’ out! I figured when you mentioned cake crumbs from 2 days ago…

    Seriously girl, its good to have you back. Be back soonest. I had missed you

    • Shiku Ngigi February 20, 2018 at 10:31 pm Reply

      Had to re-read to make sure I mentioned cake crumbs. I was in the zone, baring it all but no cake crumbs. Hehe. I can see you relate in a big way. 🙂 Thanks Betty!

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