Lately, I have been having a severe case of PMS (or at least I thought it was). I have been moody and tired, always wanting to hug my bed when my alarm goes off in the morning. It has been taking the least amount of effort to get a “No” from me, yet I am the true definition of a “Yes Man” or girl in this case.
On this Friday, I have reached the “etc” point of my day. (You know that point where your system has shut down and all you can do is go online and snoop around other people’s lives.) I am a huge fan of Sharon Mundia and her blog “This is Ess”. She seems to always be in beautiful places, wearing beautiful outfits, looking absolutely beautiful. On one post she describes a meltdown she had recently and as I kept hitting the page down button on my keyboard, tears came flowing to my eyes. At that moment, I realised that I am going through exactly what she is, only perhaps in a different way.
Have you ever heard of Atychiphobia? Its the most extreme version of what I have been experiencing recently. No, I don’t have it, I just had to leave it there (as guys do on Instagram 🙂 }. Anyway, fear of failure is real, people, especially for those of us who naturally push ourselves to the limit. As I read through Sharon’s post I immediately got a feel of all the things weighing me down at present:
I love my job, it’s exciting and engages my mind on different levels every day. I feel myself getting to a new high every once in a while. I know things I would have never imagined I would know one year ago. However, it’s a job that can either make or break a person. Being average has never been okay with me, I always strive to and find myself ahead of the pack. Recently, we were all given a rating in the office, and mine was AVERAGE. I wondered, have I really been average? Have all the hours, blood, sweat and even tears I have literally put into this job been average? It broke my heart.
Then came unfortunate rub-offs with some of my colleagues and bosses that had my stomach churning for hours. In addition, I got “on the down-low” feedback about what some people really thought of me and I remember crying a little inside while still maintaining a somewhat straight face. All my years of living with different types of people have always taught me to never display weakness – that is for weaklings with no backbone who can never survive in the fierce corporate world.
However, ladies and gentlemen, it is important to remind yourself that you are no superman, and indeed every person has some kind of weakness. Also, you can never please EVERYBODY. Some will hate (yes, hate) you for no reason at all and some will write you off the second you wear brown heels with a black skirt. It all comes down to reminding those who believe in you that they shouldn’t stop and going beyond the minimal expectations of those who don’t (which is basically going about your work day normally).
In conclusion, the fear of failing at what I truly love almost made me a little crazy. It is scary to think that you may put so much into something and get very little back in return. I wanted to lower my own standards, lower my self-expectations and lower people’s belief in me. That thought alone made me sob for hours. And I wondered, will I survive in this job market? Will I burn out and quit?
My Love Life
When you are 24 and single, working 18 hour days and 12 hour weekends, you don’t really have much of a love life. It is depressing to have no one to talk to or no outlet for the one side of life that really takes up your time. Sometimes, I imagine myself getting home, finding my boyfriend watching TV or something and what I would do is simply sit next to him and let him hold me. I long for that kind of human contact, for true love actually.
I had a boyfriend back in campus, and he had this way of making my problems not seem like problems. He was my rock, and I was his. We were good together, but again, this job came in between. See as soon as I got the job, I was single. I did not understand why he left me, and it broke my heart, it still does. I always wonder if this has a role to play in my current workaholic state. Probably.
I fear, that I will be one of those workaholic women with no husband and no children who has to have three glasses of wine in order to be able to sleep. I wonder, if I don’t get someone at this age, will I really ever find someone? Will I be forced deeper and deeper into my work because of having no other alternative?
Sharon, in her post, recommended understanding your fears and letting them go. It’s a little far fetched to some extent, but it does make great sense. How I will get there, I honestly have no idea but life is all about living one day at a time. Things always find a way of working themselves out, and that is my first step to letting go. 🙂
Writer chose to remain anonymous. For now.