I promised to cover an entire post on the feelings and thoughts during the first trimester. I am hoping this helps a girl who inevitably finds herself here in the near future. You are not alone. 

The interesting thing about the beginning of this journey is how you thought you knew what you were getting into. You prayed for this and looked forward to being a mother. But somehow, the brain gets a bit confused when your answer arrives. The brain and all its hormones. 

It starts slowly. Gently. One moment, you’re not 100% sure you are pregnant even though you took a test that displayed two lines pretty instantaneously. You even go to the doctor’s just for a second opinion. He does no test. He is sure you are, based on your LMP and general cycle history. Oh yeah, you will learn a lot of acronyms during the journey. For the purposes of this story, we will focus on just bodily changes — not the mind, not the feelings — just the body. The rest of the first trimester manenos deserve their own story. 

Also, how does Shiku suddenly know these things? I guess we will find out soon enough, won’t we? 😉

Here we go.

Who does a music-in-2019 post in 2020? 

Us those.

2019 has come and gone with a lot of changes and moments. When the year started, someone came over here and shouted that he still misses when I used to introduce him to new jams. Say no more…

99% of my time listening to music is spent on Apple Music nowadays. The other 1% is divided between YouTube and Pearl Radio.

As I enter my 30th year, a few somethings from 2018:

You may start the year with all the resolutions in the world (even when you’ve never been a resolutions kind of person), but the year may shock you in both good and bad ways by giving you its own resolutions for you. How you embrace those surprises is up to you.

You will say no so many times that, when you finally say yes, you’ll learn that the saying no helped your saying yes get easier.

Sometimes. No, who am I kidding. A lot of times, your boss will drive you crazy. You will want to quit 1000 times. But a lot of times, you’re probably at fault too. Because you want to think people read minds, even  when you know they don’t. And you want other people to change, and not you. And you will hang on to past hurt to no real gain. Then you’ll get all the wiser and realize, no matter how much someone else wants to help you, if you don’t want to help yourself, you might as well shut it and drown in your pool of self-pity. Which will lead you nowhere. So, better alternative, get up and show what you got. Because no-one else is going to do that for you.

You get a good amount of rain on you today. In a skirt. You shiver alright, but you have to go to church. Today is an interesting one. You have been separated into groups. You are in the 20+ group. The crazies. The facilitator decides you are going to break into smaller groups and discuss relationships. In the end, it is very clear you are one of very many singles. Too many. It’s a bit sad. It seems the issue is not really the men, like you’re all trying to believe. It’s you. The men also have their own issues, but from where you are seated, laughing at the shouting match, you nod at their points, while your fellow girls shout them down. It makes you wonder why you are in the group claiming independence and lack of compatibility. Why won’t you find someone who is compatible? One guy stands up and says girls are confused and do not know what they want. Reason, one girl said we want simple acts of love, another said guys are broke. You sure are confused. Or maybe you all just want different things.

One year ago, I wrote this post. I remember because of this awesome tool I use called missinglett_r. This amazing website lets me schedule blog posts for an entire year. I just sit back and relax, waiting to discover what it has posted on my Twitter after someone comments or retweets. So if you’re a blogger, you know what to do. It is mostly free. You’re welcome. 😉

Anyway, we were talking about singlehood. As usual. Maybe I should stop talking about it, right? In the meantime, as we chew on that thought, let’s see what has changed since one year ago. Am I still gaining weight? Nope. I have made a conscious decision to stop myself from doing so. It is not quite healthy, gaining weight ovyoovyo, to be honest. Regardless of all those all-up-in-your-biz mamas who keep asking why you are not eating during family get-togethers. Don’t listen to those mamas. They want you look like them, which is not healthy at all. Maybe they could avoid it themselves and it’s culturally acceptable to gain weight as a symbol of “having arrived”. If you can avoid blowing up without making a huge effort, then avoid it. Not even for the look but for the health of it all. Your future babies need you in one piece. Exercise. Eat natural things. Give natural yoghurt a shot. That thing sucks but it’s for the greater good. Tell yourself that, it will keep you going. 

You were going to procrastinate again. You were going to write this post some other day. But then someone somewhere insisted that you had to do it today, not tomorrow. So you gave in. He has a point. A few days more and it will be September! Sigh. Where to start?

You have so many things running in your mind on any given day or time that they all seem to evaporate and override each other by the time you want to sit and think of one of them. Days are a blur most times. You get up, snooze a million times, take your sugarless tea (oh yes, you can finally take sugarless tea without blinking) and get to work. Speaking of sugarless tea. It’s been a journey of many turns. You have thought about some of the ladies you know with flat tummies and they have one thing in common – no sugar. Why not you? People insist that you don’t have a tummy but you know you do. These are the kind of friends you don’t need in your life. Friends that tell you lies to make you feel better. Lol. We see you.

Can you believe it? It’s already second half! Let’s not start with a cliché about time though. You know how it is nowadays. Let’s start with the cold cliché. July. *shivers* You sit by the jiko nowadays, even as you browse the Internet. Your cat too. But she prefers the hot water bucket next to you. You wear twenty pieces of cloth during the day. You even campaigned for a heater in the office. No one wants to walk to lunch in the fog. You all wait for someone to volunteer to bring it. You don’t complain about the car A/C being on. Heck, you turn it on yourself to rise above the 12 degrees outside. This year is different though. No cheesy texts from dudes asking what’s keeping you warm. Whether they can help. You pretty much closed that chapter officially. Only positive vibes, Positive energy. Constructive discussions. Anyone who dares brings trash to your space gets shut out.

Cat bucket

You finally (FINALLY!!!!!) get that new mattress. Of course not without some drama. You and your all-knowing dad drive to the supermarket, confident you have the right measurement for your beds. (Side note: he used a string.) You shop around every supermarket in the vicinity and finally the cheapest. You make the purchase, haggle over transportation cost and hit the road. Your days of sleeping on a boat of a mattress are gone. Then you place it on the bed and it does not fit. Anti-climax. Lesson learnt. Soma lebo next time. Eventually the supermarket orders the right size and you get your mattress. Sema struggle ya kuamka! Not like you are not known for snoozing your alarm from 6:30 all the way to 7:00. Even your sister has mastered your alarm tone. But this makes it even worse. It’s good for your back though, and it’s not like you’re getting to work late. Far from it.

It’s been a minute since you thought about this topic.

Lie.

Everywhere you turn, that topic is bound to crop up. Think back to this Sunday. The first thing that happens when you walk into the church compound is a friend telling you that he dreamt of attending your wedding. Somebody say amen? He insisted on it, even after bumping into him again after the service, even though the last time you talked was ages ago. This is not the only dream that someone has told you about btw.

Long weekend. Yayyy! Right? You had it all drawn up, how you’d spend it. First, there was that cousins’ meetup. You are all grown-up and so are most of your cousins. You have finally decided to form a group that meets up and helps each other out, like your parents have done for years before you. That is a good distraction, a really good one before other issues crop up in the remaining three days. You sit in the dark, smoky but yet cosy kitchen with your closest cousin and talk men while cutting up veggies to go with the meat. You nod at her story. She has a story. You don’t. He lied. The end. Men. Cucu asks your brother whether he has found “a person”, directly translated. You all laugh, you, bro, cuz and cucu together. He says the “person” is coming. You wonder why cucu didn’t ask you. Why she never asks you. How young does cucu think I am? You ask yourself. She definitely knows exactly how old I am. Should I be worried that she is not asking me? You don’t find an answer and move on real fast.

You know exactly what you want. But so as to make things sound complicated, to not hurt people, you tell them you don’t know what you want. People here being men. You know you want a man who knows what he wants, not just by word but by action. You want someone who, right from the start, made his intentions known. Someone who is decisive. Someone who does not practise certain rituals that you do not approve of. Think about something like drinking. Not milk. Alcohol. This, especially, is becoming increasingly hard to have as a “don’t” on your dos and don’ts list. It makes you wonder whether your list is too prefect. Like seriously. You know exactly what you want, you just haven’t found it yet.

This is a story about a girl. A girl who was in love. A girl who was in love but didn’t know it. A girl named Clara.

You know what, let’s not beat about the bush. I know Clara. She told me this story herself. I didn’t know what to think or to advise her, but I’ll let you be the judge.

You sigh a lot nowadays, whether in text or physically. You rarely feel anything anymore. You have lived long enough to know some things are not worth wasting your emotions over. Even when you do feel something, you’re human after all, you move on very fast.

You have a crush in the office building. He looks like a sweet chap. But every moment you get, you ignore him, pretend not to see him, unless your eyes lock and you have no choice of pretending not to have seen him. Hi there. He probably has a girlfriend or wife, in all likelihood.