So You Think You Are Doing Twitter Right?

I subscribe to a lot of superfluous newsletters and blogs, just because I can. If you are like me, you probably do too. Plus Gmail really came through for us and threw in those updates and promotions tabs. I ignore 90% of mail from them. Every once in a while though, a subject line will catch my eye and I will click. If the content therein delivers even more I will click through to the site. And that is what happened with this HubSpot post. I ignored it for days. (We all do that when we have no time. Okay. Lie. We always have time. We just have time to do something else.) It was what I needed. “11 Twitter “Tips” and “Tricks” That Don’t Actually Work” it read. I had to read this and it was very timely.

This is for you brands on Twitter. In Kenya and everywhere else. You should read the HubSpot post too.

1. Follow, breathe, unfollow

Whoever told you that gaining lots of followers entails following loads of folk then unfollowing them after they follow was either stupid or malicious. Brands have done that to me on Twitter. And somehow, they do not think it is odd to do that. They somehow assume you will never know. How in the world is getting followers who don’t care about you and losing some potential ones in the process helping your brand exactly? That is not what being on social is about. Ask Safaricom. They followed us, even if just for DMs and never ever unfollowed. Because we tight like that. And you wonder why we never hama. Also, sue that agency doing that for you. Probably why you should be keener about what’s happening on your accounts instead of leaving everything to an intern in another company that knows nothing about your inner workings, what you are trying to preach on Twitter. I will not even mention names.

2. Jump on the trending hashtag

Like seriously? Someone actually thinks that is a strategy that works? Why would you use a random hashtag to say something just so that it can appear to many more people who couldn’t care less about who you are? The only time jumping on a trend works is when it is relevant to your audience. Otherwise it makes you look vain and cheap. Even worse is jumping on one, then filling the #entire #tweet #with #nothing #but #hashtags. Does that even look legible to you? Did you know that you do not even have to hashtag a tweet for it to show up in that search you want to appear in? The recommended maximum number of hashtags is two. Yes. Two. It is not that hard. Try it and see people engage with you.

Doing Twitter Wrong.

3. Sell products wherever someone mentions a keyword

Do you know what that looks like on first glance? Bot alert! You are a bot dear brand! Especially if I have never heard of you. Interjecting into a conversation only works if you are just talking and asking for opinion and whatnot, not selling your virgin human hair at me because I said my hair was bad. Jeez. What is virgin human hair? I thought we were still on weaves? Monitor relevant keywords alright, but don’t be a pain.

Irrelevant twitter marketing

4. Vanity

All you do is talk about yourself. Me this, me that. You don’t even retweet anyone or talk about anything else. Yawn. I will not even push this any further. I am bored.

5. Not responding to tweets

Okay, fine. You may be getting a lot of mentions that make no sense. I am not saying you should reply to everything. That would be weird. But why not reply to a genuine question? You might as well not be on Twitter then. In fact, the only reason I will walk into your store is because you are still awesome, social or not. You might not even need to be on Twitter anyway. We are not at that point in the country where your supermarket audience is majorly on Twitter. Yeah, being out of Twitter is an option. It’s better than having an account that tweeted in 2009 when Jack Dorsey was still trying to figure out whether Twitter was a messaging app or social network.

Do your thing

You know what, don’t listen to experts all the time. In fact, don’t even pay attention to me. You know why? Because you will Google and because Google is not human and whatnot, it will give you the most visited page from maybe back in 2010, when Twitter looked completely different and advice was completely different too. Like the customizable background picture that was a selling point with the old profiles. I am sure you know those are gone now with the new Facebook-like profile design. Recognize.

Do what you would like done to you and see how it works. If you wouldn’t like some other account doing that to you on a personal level, then don’t do it on a company account to another innocent citizen. Period. We will love you a little more and maybe even get interested in your product the day we need it. Think Durex. Some of us couldn’t care less about it because, you know, we don’t need it. But you know what, if I was ever to run into a situation where condoms were needed, like I don’t know, when I am married and don’t want kids or some other sane reason, I won’t go for a condom I have never heard of because hey, Durex popped into my Timeline all the time with its very interesting quips.

I am out.

Moi University

The ABCs of Graduation (Moi University)

Announce your arrival, way before the day, to ensure you get to a place to spend the night in Main Campus. Otherwise you will end up walking to the venue and perhaps not even make it to the ceremony.

Bring your own camera, despite everyone else bringing theirs and tagging you incessantly on Facebook. You have to record these memories.

Moi University Graduation Ceremony

A Sad Samsung Story

So, last time I mentioned my Samsung Galaxy Pocket and told you it was going to be a story for another day. Well, the day is here. That particular phone lasted me less than a year, about ten months. What kind of phone pulls a stunt like that? My first Android and it does that to me. Of course it is as low-end as it gets but I cherished it. I dropped it all the time though. You can’t blame me. It was tiny and always in the palm of my tiny hand all the time so it was expected. When it was not in my hand it was under my pillow, no matter how many times I was told that it is dangerous to keep it there.

Moi University

Moi University’s 8,079 Rank: Was It Justified?

You are seated at home enjoying a movie or getting warm by the fireplace. Your phone rings. Almost by reflex, you pick it up and hit a button. Ah, it’s your friend from class. He’s remembered me after three months, you think to yourself, must be something important. You sit up and take in the contents of the text. “Sasa, my dear! Nimeona kwa 3rd Eye ati tunafungua next week.”


Maybe you are not reading it right. You read it again.


Cheap Is Expensive

I have been thinking this for the longest time now. I thought about it before my laptop came tumbling down a few days ago. I thought about it when I purchased an Orange modem. I thought it over when I took my laptop for repair and it cost me a fortune. And I thought about it yesterday when my exasperated mother said those three words to me.

Thing is, a month ago, I purchased an Orange modem. Why did I finally do it? There was a free unlimited Internet offer. I was so excited about it. I was finally breaking the Safaricom shackles! Yayy for Shiku!

Orange Shop
Orange Shop (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

The first warning bell rang in my head when the Orange Shop attendant asked me whether I lived in a place surrounded by flats. At that point, all I could hear in my head was, Shiku, RUN! Clearly she is asking you that because their network is pathetic. But the little adventurous bit of me told the rational me to calm down and buy the modem. You are going to get free Internet Shiku! Think of all those downloads. No more loading loads of tabs and disconnecting the Internet until you need to load more.

So, despite the warning bells, I bought the thing. All the way home I was praying that I would not regret it. And I didn’t for the first couple of days. Of course that is after I discovered that the only way I could get the Internet (which, by the way, is way faster than Safaricom’s) was perched near a window or outside.

I spent the next week literally outside, enjoying the fast speeds I was not accustomed to and downloading anything I could think of. And boy, didn’t I download!

It was all fun until the day I decided to charge my computer while still perched up the window a few nights ago. This was during a little argument I was having with my little sister. To cut the long story short, baby sister walked across the long cord, dragging it with her. Next thing I knew, my heart was in my mouth, my laptop in my hands, very close to the floor and I knew my happy days were over.

The next picture in my head was the Mac MagSafe power adapter which I hear is magnetic and detaches itself if something like this happens. And you wonder why they are expensive.

Apple MagSafe plugged in a 13,3" MacBook,...
Apple MagSafe plugged in a 13,3″ MacBook, orange LED = currently charging (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Yes, the charging pin broke. Yes, the charger broke too. And yes, it cost me a fortune. In essence, I paid every single coin for all that Internet that I was perched up on windows for.

Right now, I am not even sure where that Orange modem is. I sort of blame it for everything. Silly, right? You know how we always want to blame someone or something. But truth be told, it was all me.

Cheap is awesome, but only for a while. I am not saying Orange Internet is not awesome. All I’m saying is don’t bother if you are not in Nairobi or some other major town. So I’m back to the better option.

Maybe cheap is not always expensive. After all, it’s not entirely expensive as expensive is. Whatever the case, the beauty of it is that I learnt my lesson.

Moi University

Of Opening Dates and an Open Mind

OFFICE OF THE CHIEF ACADEMIC OFFICER: Moi University wishes to inform all students that the double intake was too much for the institution to handle and therefore has not scheduled opening dates.