Is there a line between thinking too much and worrying? If there is, I have definitely crossed it.
The root of this is because I have this strong compliance with society expectations of certain institutions and relationships. This is why I would rather be your friend and do everything that a good girlfriend would do than be labelled a ‘girlfriend’ and bear all the connotations that come with it.
Plus I know what happens when I accept you to call me that. I let go. I let go so much that I get weighed down by the most stupid things you do, things that did not bother me at all when you were not my boyfriend. I am afraid of not being in control of myself. I have seen my friends falling sick (though I think it is all in the head) because their boyfriends left them. Others have no other friends to hang out with besides their boyfriends.
I want to love someone without doing it for convenience or for the time being. I want to love someone forever, not having room for doubts. I want to love someone for what they ought to be and can be, not what they are not.
Yeah…I want a lot of things. You might tell me it is unrealistic to do so. I am also worried that as I cultivate these thoughts, I am missing out on so much more.
Maybe it is the way I was brought up and the schools I went to. Then again, it is not a maybe. It is definitely why I have this stand, of course, coupled with my very strong will. Mum and dad have created certain standards at home and in me that make me very picky. Again, I will not blame them but will blame myself.
‘Can two walk together, unless they are agreed?’ Amos 3:3
This is the verse that my dad read to me some years back. Yes, once upon a time, I was in love. Every time I want to do something to the contrary of this verse, I remember that night he read it to me.
That Sunday night I got home at 7pm. That was around that time of the year the sun sets before 7pm. Caroline, and any other girl under dad’s roof for that matter, is not allowed anywhere outside the gate after darkness falls (unless, of course, you have boarded a North Rift matatu that is Eldoret bound and are beginning to be set free a little at a time).
The reading of that verse was the beginning of another chapter in my life.
It is the chapter in which I crush on someone but will not allow anything bigger than that to develop.
The chapter where I am nice to you and you interpret it as playing hard to get.
The chapter where I am single and not searching but waiting…
So the next time I change my facebook status to ‘it’s complicated’, do not think too much, like me. Clearly it is complicated, in my head.
I am still thinking and worrying that I may not be on the right track. Hopefully I will not be run over.