If I Were a Man…


I would wonder what it’s like to be a woman, to do nothing but wait for a man to come knocking. That’s what you men think we do, right? Nothing but wait for you? Yeah? Well, if I were a man, I’d think the same too, so I don’t blame you. I’d think deeply before making my intentions known to any lady, because I would know that she would go ahead and tell her friends all about what I did and said on our first date. If I were a man, I would not pretend to understand women and their cycles. I would not play hard to get. Why would I do that when the woman is also playing the same game? I would know that’s how people end up in the friendzone. I’d pay for dates. I’d let her pay if she really insisted on doing so and near caused a scene. I’d not pull chairs or open doors for her. They have hands for this. No point having awkward situations because she’s not used to it. I would, however, give ladies way, and general gestures they are used to.

I’d wear those nice casual brown pants that don’t require ironing and loafers. Then my shirts would be just right, not bursting out of me like a Mr. Kenya. I’d probably never go to the gym, for abs and muscles. (Those things freak Shiku out) . My hair would be nonexistent, just well cut. I would not even try to understand women and their hairs. I would notice and compliment new looks on their heads though! If I were a man, I’d cook. I’d cook so good, Kempinski would want to hire. I’d cook so good I would not mind having a lady over for a meal. I would look forward in helping out in the kitchen, when that marriage time comes. Speaking of marriage, I wouldn’t really mind a wedding if we can afford it. I wouldn’t keep pointing out to everyone that the wedding will be her idea. If we agree on a tiny wedding, fine with me. Fine with us. Just as long as we’re not rallying funds from random people we’ve not talked to in years.

I would have moved out of my folks’ home. Obviously. Because I believe men and women are, by no means, the same. A woman can live for as long as she wants in her parents’ house, but not a man. Stop throwing daggers a me. That’s the plain truth. You never saw those utahama lini ads targeting women. Never. I am not saying that I’d live beyond my means. Nah. But I would not be looking for a wife while under this roof. Societal expectations are just different. If I were a man, I’d have learnt to drive ages ago, not as late as I did. I’d know cars. I’d know what car I want to get. Shiku just recently got interested in car models. It’s that serious. I’d probably still have dropped writing code and stuck to social media, that part has nothing to do with sex.

I would totally ask why there’s an International Women’s Day and where the equivalent for men is. And then I’d remember that we men have always been a bit privileged over the years. And that the least I can do is wish a woman somewhere a happy one. I would be a man. A real man who does not need to be pushed around to work. I’d probably still support Arsenal, complete with knowing the lineup for every game. I would still hate video games though. I would write about men more. Things that affect us. Things that are close to our hearts. Things that are in line with the bro code. But I am not a man.

The reason I decided to write about this is because I’ve been accused of writing too many womanly articles this week. And I was like, eeer, last I checked, I am a legit woman. Even with the haircut, no one has mistaken me for a man. It felt nice to think about being a man for a few minutes. What if you were a man? Or a woman?

Guy flowers

11 thoughts on “If I Were a Man…

  1. If we agree on a tiny wedding, fine with me. Fine with us. Just as long as we’re not rallying funds from random people we’ve not talked to in years.

  2. Mixed feelings. I still love cars despite being a woman. About dressing, i don’t think i’d wear suits. Too boring and cliche. I like this

  3. It is sad that ladies still stereotype this “moving out” issue.Every adult should just move out when they get to that age and get a job,simple…thats the only way one builds their independence,becomes more responsible and enjoys the freedoms that come with it.There is so much one learns when they live alone,these individuals truly embrace and learn about life.The other thing about men is we face our problems alone,Ego issues…Men have to be strong…Nywa great article,i enjoy reading it.

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