A Guest Post by Anonymous
Girls are amazing, they are awesome. 2012 was a learning year for me. I applied the law of averages in my life and asked about 10+ girls out knowing far too well that they will reject me with a very high likelihood. The criterion used to choose which girl to approach was simple, I had to like her and I am not very choosy though I have been blamed for it. To me, and as obvious as daylight, they could either friendzone me, say yes or reject me. What’s the worst that could happen?
Weirdly, I was banking on rejection; I wanted to learn to handle that. I wanted to humanize the whole thing. For most of teenage boys, it’s easy to forget that girls are human and their decisions are in most cases, well-thought-out and justified. This was obviously such a faulty plan because it could have easily ended with a YES from a girl but somehow, the wheels in my head kept turning and thought I should just keep doing it to myself in the hope that I will soon get used to rejection and be immune to it. I am sure you are all wondering about the results, well, I got into one 3 month relationship (this was difficult), did some crazy things with some of them, and ultimately got friendzoned by 50% of the girls.
The girls who friendzoned me were rather nice and some didn’t even know how to breaking it to me in telling me (aww). I remember like one or two flat out rejections and they hurt like a bitch but at the back of my mind I was patting myself, “Attaboy! Get used to this”. One girl gave me her reasons for this, and another just never had the balls. So why did I do all this to myself?
I had recently turned 21 and realized I may not have lived the dating life I would have wished for. You see, at 16 – 17 years old, I had these great plans about how by 30, I was going to get married to a girl I would have dated for 5 years (lmao). First off, I would like to appreciate the fact that very few of us live such lives that we dream and purpose on and that indeed for some of us, it goes horribly wrong. It’s life. I wanted to know why this was hard, I had dated before but that thing (the relationship) scared the shit out of me. One evening, coming home, I asked some girl’s number and she said No. I stressed over this overnight. Such a mundane occurrence like a girl saying, “No, you gotta work harder to get my number” stressed me up like a 15 year old, Justin Bieber following, girl. I wanted to use 2012 to grow up, accept that girls say NO all the time and dating is hard so I had better got used to it. This was an experiment lasting a whole year.
I did it. It worked. I no longer spend five minutes of my life thinking about a girl whose interest is any less than mine. I have also accepted that while scenarios are different, dating in modern Kenya is such a task. Girls have expectations, men have needs. I am in my early twenties, I have had what I feel like is a decent education, I can communicate, I have made money, I have an acceptable lifestyle and I feel pretty good about myself. But still, 5 in 10 of girls I know will readily friendzone me and I have nothing against it, we all have different targets and I have learnt to respect such decisions. Why is this happening?
If you are reading this somewhere, single and probably wishing things were different, I probably might have answers for you. Answers that a 40 year old therapist will not give you because well, he/she is 40, and I am in my 20s, I know what it is like. Most of us around this age want fun and it’s easy to say that with money, you can get any girl you want, it is not analogous to the whole dating thing, and it’s simplistic. My reasons are in one sentence; we want things that boys/girls in a similar generation cannot provide.
Most associations work because there is something shared in the system, even marriage. I find if a boy and girl want the same thing, it works out very well, believe me. And really just forget about love because it’s an emotion, like anger and happiness. Just forget it now. Those come and go in a second. Girls my age want men who are mature and probably rich enough to cater for their needs. Guys my age want girls who will be less work to handle (I leave this to your implicit minds) and good looking. So you find guy Y cannot be enough for girl X, because he is in school or still trying to find a place in society and similarly, find another girl A, not enough for guy B, because she is trying not to look too easy or desperate and thus plays hard to get making this a difficult job for B, who gives up. I know I have not fully exploited the possibilities but I have firm belief this is why dating in this country is so difficult but as there are exceptions to every rule, some work, but not for long, and if for long, it’s because they have all reached the critical mass, or learnt the art of compromise.
In summary, in my life, I have learnt that when it comes to women, it doesn’t take much to bait me. In campus, you will find me trying to stop myself from blatantly gawking at the women. I cannot help myself. There is no easy way to do this dating and marriage thing but I hope to do it right as I go into my mid and late 20s. I don’t intend to experiment again as I have learnt all that I can. For the coming years, apart from graduating, building a career, making money, making less mistakes and living the life, I want to find a girl that will be just what Proverbs 31:10 onwards says, and in a worldly sense, be sufficient in provision for this girl. Good thing I am in no hurry.
The writer is a student at the University of Nairobi and a Busherian. He chooses to remain anonymous.