10 Things. 4 Matatus. Before 26.


So I ran out of bundles from sending too many Bitmoji to someone when I left the office. (Yes, B, that’s what they were. Google that. Don’t know if there’s an app for that for Windows phones. Muhahahahahahahaha! Is there any app for anything for Windows phones anyway?)

Anyhuuuuu, (I’ll be using this word now that Biko hated on it. You know how I’m always trying too hard to be a rebel? Yep.) I have been like fighting this urge to not write. Because, you know, there’s nothing to write home about. I’m not in love, neither am I searching for it, neither am I in the mood to hate on men and stuff like that. I’m just there. Mostly when I’m just there, I’m busy coming up with new ways to keep me occupied. Here are ten things to do in Kenya when you’re figuring your next step in life every day you’re hustling. (Sorry I’m not making much sense today. Deal with it.)

1. Try a new route to work. Like if you have a choice, try it out. Don’t mind if you end up stuck in a jam. Or if you end up seated in that hole that somehow transforms into a seat sans a sambaza. I’ve sat on it so many times this week, I’m now convinced I’m fat enough. I’ve always assumed I’m not big enough to fit there. Not to mention I’m breaking maybe about five laws in one go every morning I board a 103 to Kona (Dagoretti Corner). Even as I write this, I’m squeezed in the backseat, trying to take a photo of the people seated on the spaces in front of me, but I can’t, juu this kange is looking at me suspiciously and it’s kinda dark. It’s 18:31.

2. Be super friendly to people you work with or serve. You’ll learn so much, you’ll amaze yourself at how many people skills you have, despite all your “I’m an introvert” pleas. You’ll even discover cool stuff like Bitmoji. Or get someone who wants to tip you in Bitcoin! I mean, you’ll even discover you actually love talking to people!

3. Ditch the newspapers. Forget about television. Ditch mainstream stuff and think of how you can take back what they steal from you, including actual coverage of things that make sense other than the boring Nyeri woman narrative or Maasai folk who want to marry sijui who where. What kind of crap is this on the media though? Like seriously? Giving Ghafla and Nairobi Wire and that other thing Classic 105 keeps pushing down our throats in the morning. Hit your Twitter Feed in that squeezed matatu and see what new thing deserves your attention. Sometimes, them train folk actually come up with hashtags that actually have legs and direction.

4. In the same spirit of taking back what’s yours, sacrifice that sleep and milk them Night Bundles dry. Milk them for the life of you. They are yours! Place that phone on the window sill. Hotspot it like today is the last day on earth. Get every smartphone in the house to automatically connect at 10 PM. Milk ’em. Dedicate one weekend to milk them Airtel ones too. Hopefully that night is not the night it reads “Limited Connection”.

5. Read a book in a week. Even if it’s as stupid as John Green’s Paper Towns. But there’s also a level of stupid you should put down. Discover why jungus talk about A Tale of Two Cities everywhere. Hit Project Gutenberg and download those epubs. It’s actually legal. Because these books are in the public domain. Unlike them torrents and whatnot. 😉

6. Learn how to do something you’ve always said you would but haven’t yet. Like drive. Yes. It’s 2015. And I said I would drive in 2015. After sitting on these spaces, it starts to get to you. When everyone else is driving except you. When your fam and friends put the pressure on you. You have no choice anyway. Even when you can’t coordinate steering and accelerating and have no idea how short people like you can see everything happening anyway. Or when you stop short before a ditch. Or when your baby sis knows that to really stop a car, you need to put it in parking. She knows, and I don’t. Like what in the world is wrong with me? I was so disinterested until my very patient bro forced me to try again. Honestly. That’s what happens when you’re the first born and you raise them other borns right. Ahem.

7. Make yourself go back to a good routine and do it. Like now, I was supposed to keep pushing posting something up in here but then I decided to write up some gibberish that’s at least readable. I need to do a ton of stuff in the writing direction. Asap. Or I risk another minicoup. Plus writing is fun. I can make up words like that. Because no one is about to write a 30/40 in red ink when I’m 25.

8. Speaking of 25. Someone had the nerve to write that I’m 26 on my medical cover. 26! Lord have mercy. I’m not that old yet. Whoever said age is just but a number was wrong. I’m telling you the sight of that figure next to my name was scary. Yeah. Number 8. Look out for reality checks like this one. I might not be 26 YET but the years are sure as hell flying. So I’ll be soon. We’re already halfway through the year. Stop and listen.

9. Go against the norm too. If you normally write on Wednesday, write on Friday! If you wake up at 10 on Saturdays, start waking up at 8 and shock everyone. They’ll eventually stop getting shocked. Can’t remember the last time I actually woke up at 10 on a Saturday. If you normally don’t meet strangers as soon as you’ve talked or e-met them, meet them. You just never know. Also, you’re not a teenager no more. Plus what’s the point of wasting time bonding with a person you’ve never met? Provided you don’t meet up in a bush, that should be okay.

10. 10. What is 10? I’m home now btw. Si niwaachie 10 mjaze? Au sio?

Proudly, wholly typed and posted from my WordPress app. (Okay, lie. It refused to upload. I had to migrate the copy to Google Docs then here, after cooking.)
Happy weekend good people of ze Internet!

Rock. Bad. Hair. Lol.
Rock. Bad. Hair. Lol.

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