I am feeling pretty low right now. Down in the dip. Extremely low. I just got home, threw my stuff on the sofa and lay down. I chat a friend and then switched off data and tears just flowed. To be honest my tears could have just dropped an hour ago, but I held them back because someone was gracious enough to fight my fight. But the floodgates opened now and I let them do their thing. Then I grabbed a serviette that was lying on the table from two nights ago when I was eating cake, dabbed my eyes and knelt down to just say something to the Almighty. I felt like such a fraud doing that. The first time I pray today is simply because I feel lost, not because I am saying thank you or I am happy, but because I am asking for direction.
I have been on some never-ending adrenaline the past few months I guess. I stopped writing. I moved out. (Yes, I did that and never told you all. Sorry guys.) I got involved in some pressure projects. I quit Twitter. I cut ties with a few people I had developed acquaintance with the past year. Lots happened. Lots has happened. And suddenly, I feel like I am deflating now. It is my moment to come back down to earth and think about what I am doing. When it’s all said and done, there is something I am looking for in all my quitting and trying new things.
After I said my prayer, I felt like I should play some soothing music. Lord I Need You by Matt Maher kept ringing in my head but on second thought, something even better hit me. I should write. I should write something I probably don’t want to publish, but it will likely be the best outlet for me. The outlet I have rejected for so long. I feel the exact way NF feels about his music. If you have listened to Therapy Session, you will know what I mean. So I picked up my old laptop that was lying on the sofa (I leave a lot of things lying around) and started writing this.
A friend of mine thinks I manage stressful situations very well but the truth is I am just good at burying stuff and living in the moment. I am good at forgetting something for a moment. Or two. Or two days. Or three weeks. But eventually I will think about the thing I am running away from. I will think about it after running from it. After running out of distractions. And I have pretty solid distractions from real life. But when the distraction becomes the thing I need to get distracted from, then that becomes a problem. And Band-Aid solutions will only work for another month until something else happens. Or some other two things happen that rip off the bandage with such incredible force that I end up like this.
I am not depressed, neither am I delusional. I know there is a reason I am feeling the way I am feeling. And I need to stop running. I need to face my giants. I need to figure out why I stopped doing the things that really matter to me by substituting them with others, when these things actually helped me handle life better. I need to get back to the start.
And again, don’t freak out, people. I am okay. Really, I am. I just needed to let this out and figure out my next course of action. Maybe that’s the only way I will take steps to remedy everything and in effect be the help I need to be to people around me. You know, it can’t just be about me in all this. It has to be bigger than me. The reason I am here is not for me and thus the reason I do or not do anything should not be because I don’t feel like. I will be back. Soon.
I guess being low is a good thing sometimes. It’s in the deep that water springs where there is none coming from high above. And gold. And oil. And a lot of strong, green trees.
Hugs and kisses y’all. I had missed you. 🙂