I don’t know…

It’s 6.30 pm. It’s raining. It’s dark. I am cold. I am also feeling particularly inspired to write. The past week has been an interesting one in the relationship scene. Fourth years happen to have a lot of issues as I am slowly learning. Maybe it is because we have been together for a long time. Some are afraid they are going to end up alone after a whole four years. Some are tired of the relationships they had in here and are slowly dumping each other for the ‘out there’ promise.

Anyway, I don’t know why I am writing this. Maybe I want to pass a message to someone. Maybe I need to help someone who’s going through something. Maybe I just need to update my blog. Or I simply want to do all these things.

Clearly, I know exactly why I am writing this.

I don’t know why he left me.
I don’t know why she is not talking to me.
I don’t know why I did not tell you this before.
I don’t know what I want.
I don’t know why I rushed into it.
I don’t know this, I don’t know that.

I have heard all these statements this week, some of them from myself. The truth is, you know why he left you. You know why she is not talking to you. You know why you did not tell me this before. You know what you want.

You are simply afraid of what knowing means. You are afraid of what knowledge could lead you to do. You are afraid that knowing it now makes you look stupid for doing it then. You would rather convince yourself that you don’t know than accept that you know.

You are not responsible enough to own your actions. She is probably not talking to you because you did something wrong. Meanwhile on your high horse, you are busy listing down things she did to you to cover up your own wrongdoing. He left you because he found someone better (better is relative here, depending on who is talking). Maybe he simply got tired.

You rushed into it because someone suggested that it was weird that you did not have a girlfriend at your age. Point is, we all know why we do what we do. Unless of course you are in an exam room and you have no idea what the questions are asking. Then, you are sure you do not know because if you did, you would write something down.

Sometimes, saying that you don’t know is quite smart, especially when it is true that you do not. Saves you a lot of embarrassment from pretending to know and could even earn you a little respect for being honest.

No, I am not in a relationship. No, I don’t want to be in a relationship. Yes, that is an outright lie. I want to be in one. I just don’t know why I am not. Lie. I know why I am not but I don’t want to let you know. I also feel better when I think I cannot control that aspect of my life; it’s easier letting myself believe that it’s someone else’s responsibility. How’s that for a coward?

What next? I know that I know but want to pretend I don’t know. Let’s see where that leads me…Maybe I will tell you what I know next time; that time I will not hide behind non-existent ignorance. Hope in the process, you realized you know some things you claim you don’t too.