I promised to cover an entire post on the feelings and thoughts during the first trimester. I am hoping this helps a girl who inevitably finds herself here in the near future. You are not alone.
The interesting thing about the beginning of this journey is how you thought you knew what you were getting into. You prayed for this and looked forward to being a mother. But somehow, the brain gets a bit confused when your answer arrives. The brain and all its hormones.
You ask yourself how people are even in the mood to make cute pregnancy surprises for the hubbies. Even before the symptoms start in the first place, you pretty much follow your cycle together, so he will obviously notice if there is a delay. Because you always talk about it. Leave alone a surprise for hubby, posting them announcements on social media. Maybe you will have that strength the second time around.
You even ask yourself how, of all the counselling sessions you went through, no one really took time to dig a little bit deeper into this period in a marriage. It’s not even funny that they all talk about sex and skip straight to parenting. **rolls eyes** Can someone address the middle important bit that is so crucial, especially to a new couple who are still learning things about each other. The “in sickness and in health” you declared in front of masses is not just in the later years of your lives as you had imagined, in your joyous reverie. It is imminent the moment you consummate that union.
I think what compounds this situation even further is the fact that, apart from the fact that you are puking and all, there is no other sign you are pregnant. No bump. The only bump is actually bloat. No kicking, too early for that. Also, at this point, everything you read on BabyCenter, What To Expect etc point to the fact that miscarriages are very common earlier on. :sob: How are these people making anything easier? So you are constantly on edge, hoping that you are acting your best for your baby. Because everyone keeps saying you need to eat for him/her.
Oh, speaking of baby apps. Did I mention that you will be on Google for everything? If I look at my history from back then, it is pitiful. It ranges from the very first days of “Am I pregnant?”, “When to start clinic when pregnant in Kenya” to “working during first trimester” and “do pregnancy symptoms get worse with age” to “eno pregnancy safe”. LOL. And I have the nerve to laugh at women in the West asking questions like “Is it safe to eat pineapple when pregnant” on BabyCenter.
At some point, you completely remove yourself from social media, because you now believe the whole corona thing is also making your dwelling in the rut even worse. For several months you stay completely off. It somehow helps. Your main sources of online info remain Google, Quora and BabyCenter forums. At least you read more now. It is a better escape for you than Netflix.
You are not sure if this is just in your head or it is actually happening, but for some reason, you are convinced your butt is becoming flatter now. Apparently it is a thing. Mum bum. You keep looking at yourself in the mirror and you just see it. Your body is changing in front of your eyes, even without an actual bump. That also occupies your head a lot. How you used to take your body before this for granted. This might sound vain but it has a legit weight on self esteem; among the other crazy things.
Now, let’s talk about everyone else.
If you think you are lost and depressed, you will have to give some credit to the man who is standing and sleeping by you every day and night. He is totally stumped. He has his own app too, perhaps to try to understand what this drama is in his own way. He has probably hit Google the same number of times you have for every strange thing that crops up every other day. You know because he screenshots bits of advice. He is the first to ask what you need. When your brain concocts something new it cheats you into thinking you will stomach, he will run very fast to get it. Then it will end up being his, because you hate it immediately you take the first bite or sip.
He walks with you on those afternoons you are up for it during the bleak pandemic times. He walks at your pace even though ordinarily he would be walking twice as fast. He waits for you to spit. He tries to get you to Netflix and chill with him but fails most times. That used to be your thing, even during dating days. Poor guy. He does the dishes. He eats whatever is available. The guilt from not doing as much as you used to do for him before is part of the reason you are in the rut. But he never complains. Gotta love this man. 😘
What really convinces you that all this is very normal is this guy. You meet him the first time at the peak at 10 weeks. You tell him you have no idea what is happening because you puke everything and have an infection. He brushes it off and every other time. He is like there is nothing to be worried about before four months are over. FOUR Months. Lord help us all. He recommends your first ultrasound. This one is vaginal, not the only one you know from movies that is done over the tummy. You see the little image inside you. You hear the heartbeat. That is enough to send you into a feat of crying and sobbing like a little baby under your mask. So even though you are so frustrated from the bodily crap you are experiencing, you momentarily forget it and take those ultrasound images away with you. You finally have tangible evidence there is someone inside you.
In the end, you really appreciate the support system around you. The girlfriends who will constantly call or chat you up to ask how you’re doing. The ones who genuinely want to be there for you from afar, not just there to give you unsolicited advice. Your mothers end up bringing you packs and packs of dry foods that you will only really eat during your later trimesters. That is if the weevils don’t catch them first.
One major good thing about the thought process during the first trimester for you is that you begin to see things in a new light. You realize that you don’t need to prescribe to the general rules that people expect you to. For instance, you could actually entertain the idea of running your own gig. The possibilities are endless. If you weathered this storm, what can’t you do? Baby steps.